For the past couple of days a “voice” has been in my
head telling me to write. I struggled
for a while with the thought because of the content of the message that I was
persuaded to write about. One part of my
mind was saying “why would you want to write something like this, nobody really
cares and what purpose would it serve?”
The other half of my mind was saying “if you really intend to go on in
your life lifting up the word of God and promoting your ministry, then you have
to lay it all out on the table”. And I
think it’s true. How can I effectively
get my message across to people if they can only see what’s on the outside and
are left guessing what’s on the inside or listening to rumors about me. The best way to approach this I think is to
use God’s commandments as my outline. By
going through the commandments and stating where I stand on each one, you can
hear it straight from my own mouth (so to speak).
Starting with God’s first commandment - Thou shalt have no other gods before me. I have learned that anything that you hold
above God has become your god. It could
be your house, car, jewelry or any other possession. To this I am not guilty. I don’t have a nice car, I drive an old
minivan, but I must say it does the job and I am thankful that it can hold all
six of us. My house is nothing
spectacular. But I will say this also, it
was only through God that we were able to find our house, in our price range and
with the ability to hold us all comfortably.
But even if I did have “nicer” things that some people would find worthy
of worship, I would never think to do such a thing. I put nothing before God.
The third commandment - Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. I’m not the type to curse in the name of God or use His name out of turn. There may have been times in the past when I stubbed my toe or something along those lines and muttered something under my breath in pain, but not in a way offensive to God.
The fourth commandment - Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God. Although I’m not an “Adventist” anymore, I am still a Sabbath keeper. Whether we attend a traditional church to be around other Sabbath keepers (usually an SDA church) or stay at home to worship, my family and I observe each Sabbath on the seventh day, just the way the Lord intended it to be. Not because it's written in stone, but to give honor to the Father who created all things in six days.
The fifth commandment - Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. I love my mother and father greatly. We don’t see eye to eye when it comes to religion, but I will never disrespect them.
The sixth commandment - Thou shalt not kill. I’ve killed a bug, but obviously not a human.
The seventh commandment - Thou shalt not commit adultery. I have never cheated on my husband or been with anyone else’s husband. But I will use this commandment to air out some laundry. When I was seventeen a traumatic event threw me into a state of darkness and self-destruction. I was a high school student and each day I would walk to the city transit station from school. On the way, I would pass a little tea/coffee shop on one of the side streets downtown. The shop had a big window and a group of guys (maybe in their early to mid-twenties) would be hanging out there each day. One particular guy would always catch my eye and we would smile at each other. I was a very sheltered teen with very strict parents, so I longed for what I thought was “freedom” to hang out like I saw the other high school kids doing. In my house, it was home, school, church, home, school, church and if you begged hard enough you could get an hour or maybe two hours to skate or go to the mall on occasional weekends. I yearned for just a tiny taste of “freedom”.
So when this guy from the coffee shop asked me if I wanted to go have tea with him in the mall, I only reluctantly said ok. I thought the suggestion to have tea was a little strange, but he was an Ethiopian guy, so I figured “tea” was what they did, synonymous with going out to have coffee or something like that. I also thought that going out and having “tea” sounded sophisticated and mature. I told myself that everything would be fine, we’ll quickly drink tea, talk a little then I’ll get home before anyone knows a thing. I suggested to him that we could have tea in the shop right there on the street where he hangs out with his buddies, but he said his friends would just bother us. So we got into a cab and off we went. A very mature thing to do I thought, riding in a cab then going to have tea, I was growing up! But then I asked him a little sheepishly “why are we taking a cab, when we can just walk down the street to get to the mall?” He told me that the tea/coffee shop was on the far side of the mall, so we’ll just drive around to it. I thought… at least we’ll get there faster then I’ll get home in time. Then he said something to the cabbie in a different language and the cab turned away from the street that the mall was on and started going down another street. I asked him why, and he said that he had to go to his place to get his other wallet with his money in it. A red flag went up and I suggested that maybe we should just plan to have tea another day, but he insisted that it would only take a minute. So in an attempt not to look like a baby, I tried not to panic. When we got to his little apartment that wasn’t too far away he said “come on up, I’ll grab my wallet then we’ll head over to the mall”. Red flag! Red flag! But I told myself “stop being a baby”. I was getting very worried though. It was getting late and my parents would be wondering where I was if I got home too late. To tell you the truth I was more worried about the time and getting home late than I was about this cool/smooth faced guy with the nice curly hair being up to no good. I was SO naive it wasn’t even funny.
So fretting about the time and only slightly suspicious about the guy I agreed to go with him to get his wallet. It was the worst decision of my life. We got up to his place and it went from him not being able to find his wallet, to him telling me to check out his record collection (there were no CD’s at the time) to him losing his soft, gentle persona and forcing himself on me. Up to that point in time I hadn’t even seriously kissed a boy, not counting the little play-play kisses from “church boyfriends”. While he held me down I tried to tell him to stop and that I needed to go home. But each time I protested, I noticed him looking around the room as if to locate something with his eyes. I didn’t know what he was trying to locate, but I didn’t want it to be something that would make me shut up (like duck-tape, a rope, a gun I didn’t know), so I decided to keep my mouth shut. I did however remember to pray, quietly of course. I said “Lord if you help me out of this situation, I will never doubt you and I will do whatever it is that you want me to do in life”. I prayed, please Lord help me get through this. So in one day my “innocents” was taken from me, but I was alive.
Afterwards, the guy called a cab (which I now believe was his friend all along) and I was driven home. I told the cabbie not to stop in front of my house. I think by that point in time he realized how young I was by the look on my downcast face and I think he felt sorry for me. Very strangely, I didn’t get in too much trouble when I got in the house, even though it was dark out. I can’t remember why that was, but most likely it was the Lord helping me again. I was left broken that night and I knew I had no one to blame but myself. I couldn’t tell my parents, they would be too upset with me and would chain me to the house. I couldn’t tell my sisters, they would eventually tell my parents due to the severity of the situation. I did however attempt to tell one of my sisters days later, but I didn’t articulated the situation well and she didn’t understand what I was trying to telling her, so I didn’t push it, it was too embarrassing anyway. I also told a “friend” bits and pieces about what happened at an inopportune time, thinking that she and I could talk about it later, only to find instead of talking to me she decided to share the bits and pieces with other youths in our church. So I had no one really to talk to and my reputation began its sharp decline. It was my own foolish fault anyway. I should have just took off running when I had the chance. I would have looked crazy, but at least I would have saved my soul. I said to myself… I got myself into the situation, so I had to deal with the consequences. Needless to say, I never saw the guy sitting in the tea/coffee shop again after that day. In my immature mind, I thought that maybe he realized his grave error and would apologize for what he had done to me and would tell me that he didn’t mean to deceive me and use me like a dirty rag… But it didn’t happen. I was left to deal with my shame.
Up to that point in my life, the only thing I was taught about boy-girl relationships was… “Don’t let any boy touch you because if you do, no man will EVER want to marry you, men look for ladies who are CLEAN to marry”. I heard it often and I believed it. So I decided to come to terms with the fact that I was now “damaged goods” and that no man would ever want to marry me. I was now nothing but junk. So I treated myself like the junk that I was. I never got into drugs or anything like that but I allowed myself to be used. Much later I told a few people who I was close to about the incident, but I was too far gone in my self-loathing ways for them to help me and they were in no position to be of any help anyway. My mindset was… why should I behave like a “nice” respectable young lady in my relationships, when I wasn’t a respectable young lady anymore. I was damaged. Intimacy and true love were no longer connected together in my mind. Of course I have since then laid all of this and my many sins at the feet of Jesus. He has taken away my shame in my mind, healed my soul and made me new. He has also provided me with a husband and family who love me for me. To God I give all the glory! So no, I have never committed adultery, but I was indeed a self-loathing sinner long ago.
The eighth commandment - Thou shalt not steal. When I was a child, I was addicted to sugar, especially candy. I remember searching our house high and low for nickels, dimes and quarters so that I could go to the corner store to buy candy. My dad had a jar filled with coins and I admit, I use to “borrow” coins when things got desperate in order to purchase the goods… that sweet candy. I also recall a time when this kid in my 3rd grade class had a bag of long red liquorish and was flaunting it around. So when the recess bell rang, what would you expect a sugar addicted kid like me to do… I tried to take a liquorish. Of course I got caught and the school called my mom and she was very disappointed and I felt horrible. All I can say is, you grow up and you learn right from wrong and you learn to choose what is right, I did. Sadly there were times when I was falsely accused thereafter. One particular time I was accused of taking a large sum of money. After putting on a “I’m blaming you, but not directly to your face” kind of a show, my accuser miraculously, but not too surprisingly found the money that she was overtly accusing me of taking. I believe it was found due to the fact that I prayed, asking the Lord to reveal the “stolen” money so that Satan, who I believe was behind it all, could go on his way in defeat. That particular incident really hurt because my accuser was “family”. And even now when I’m around that side of the family, I feel as though the possibly trumped up and greatly embellished incident has been passed around from ear to ear, still casting me as the possible thief. But that’s what Satan does. He uses things that you have done in the past (even as a child) to mess with your head in the future. In any event, the Lord has never let me down and prayer is always my first resort in life.
The ninth commandment - Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. I can safely say that I have never told a lie on anyone. I know how it feels to have lies told about me and I never have or ever will tell a lie on anyone, neighbor or no neighbor. Now, I will admit to bending the truth as a child to get myself out of trouble. But as a grown woman I find no reason to lie. I may sometimes be misunderstood and/or just honestly forget things. But who do I fear that I would need to tell a lie? Who am I going to get in trouble with? I’m old enough to admit when I’m wrong or have done something wrong. And I don’t lie to make myself look better than I am, I don’t see the value in that.
The tenth commandment - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s. I have seen people with all sorts of “nice” things, but I have never developed any ill will or intent toward anybody for the things that they possess. And I never thought in my heart about how I can get what they have maliciously. I’m happy with ALL that God has given me, but that doesn’t mean I will not be trying to improve where I am in life. Just not at the expense of anyone else.
So that is it. If you got this far, I’m sorry it was so long. But like I said in the beginning I felt impressed to lay it all out on the table. Feel free to form any opinion that you like of me, I know you will anyway. At least I figure it will be based on truth and not rumor… And I can live with that. But please don’t let who I have been in the past, prevent you from taking a look at what my bible ministry is about.
Thank you for reading.
Blessings to you.
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